Trailer Park #013: The Weirdest Games You’ve Never Played

Subnation | Scott Bernberg | March 8, 2021

And we’re back! Apologies for our extended hiatus, but we had a bit of a dust up down here at the park, and we had to take things offline for a bit. Luckily, some neighborhood kids with their Blackberry camera-phones were on hand to capture footage of the goings-on:

Brad Pitt as an Irish Traveler is so odd that it actually makes sense — which brings us to the topic of today’s TP — a selection of games so downright bizarre that you shudder to think about the focus groups that helped release them into the wild.

David Lynch Teaches Typing | PC/Mac | 2018

Like the British say, “it does what it says on the tin” — assuming the tin says to take some peyote, then replace your boring everyday typing tutor with bonkers director and greatest human who’s ever lived, David Lynch. And yet it all works, somehow.

Journey Escape | Atari 2600 | 1983

Journey is great. The Atari 2600 is great. The ad featuring radio legend Casey Kasem is better than great. So why was the game that brings them all together such a colossal failure? Maybe it’s because the gaming public couldn’t buy into a game that had an actual rock band fleeing sex-crazed groupies for the serene comfort of their tour bus and the company of their manager.

And, as for legendary VO-master Casey Kasem, can we just take a moment and enjoy that one time he went off the rails while on a hot mic during the taping of American Top 40’s beloved Long Distance Dedication segment:

Ponderous, man.

Hatoful Boyfriend | PC | 2014

Life is short. If you’re only going to play ONE human x pigeon dating simulator, make it Hatoful Boyfriend. It’s really the only game in the genre that let’s you…OK, it’s the only game in its genre, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t excellent. In fact, as far as Japanese dating sims go, it’s one of the best-crafted efforts we’ve ever played. Not that we’re playing Japanese dating sims all the time.

Gigi Hadid’s Fashion Fantasy | No Systems We Found | 2021

We’ve done some research, and as far as we can tell, this is not an actual videogame. But then again, there’s Gigi right before our eyes, playing the darn thing as a feature on that bastion of gaming news and opinion, Vogue. So…what the hell is going on here? Is this some kind of ruse? Perhaps it’s just best to imagine what this game could have been — an RPG set in Manhattan where the enemies are bad lighting and the passage of time, and the power-ups are red wine and cigarettes. Now that’s a video game fantasy we can all believe in.

Space Warlord Organ Trading Simulator | PC | 2021

You know what’s great about being a videogame writer? You can quickly jump back and forth between your passions on little more than a whim. In a single hour, you can share your love of David Lynch, Journey, pigeon romance and alien organ harvesting with gentle readers such as yourselves. What a glorious gig. As of this writing, this game hasn’t been released yet, but you have to wonder, did developers really need to put “Simulator” in the title of this game? Were they concerned people would confuse it with actual Space Warlord organ trading?

I Love You Colonel Sanders! Finger Lickin’ Good Dating Simulator | 2019

The concept of product placement-as-video game has a long and crappy history. From The Noid (Domino’s Pizza) to Cool Spot (7-Up) to Chester Cheetah: Too Cool to Fool (Cheetos), the art of the cheap game cash-in has been a strong allure to brands looking to capture the hearts and minds of hungry/thirsty gamers since the days of the 2600. But just when you’re about to give up on ever seeing a multi-national company lend their name to a quality gaming experience, the good folks at KFC step in with a little bit of magic. I Love You, Colonel may have been riding on Dream Daddy’s coattails, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t one sexy and delicious game. Who knew trying to win the heart of an anime version of Colonel Sanders could be this fun?

Wall Street Kid | NES | 1990

In Japan, this odd entry was known as The Money Game 2: The Miracle of Kabutochou, but catchy as that title was, it didn’t spark the imagination of American youngsters looking to become the next Gordon Gekko. Hence the catchy title. Also, this game was all kinds of strange. To wit:

And if you’re the kind of person who thinks our carefully curated game trailers are too short, you’re in luck. The lack of any commercials for Wall Street Kid on YouTube means you’re getting the entire playthrough. Meet you back here in 77 minutes and 23 seconds!

We hope you enjoyed this week`s edition of Trailer Park and promise we’ll never, ever leave you again. See you next week, friendo.

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